Yeah, whatever.

Everyone has someone. Everyone is going somewhere. Everyone except me.

Baby it's cold outside.

Christmas was absolutely wonderful. I'm sad we wait for it for forever and then its just gone. Well only 364 more days right? -____-

Sooo Christmas Eve we did the traditonal do to Grandma's, eat tons of food and exchange gifts. All the gifts are ten dollars and under since there are so much of us so we generally get stuff like body lotions, pajama pants, slippers, jewlery, gift cards (however from my one Aunt I was the only one who did not get a ten dollar gift card....I got a car vaccuum...that you charge into your cigarette lighter...which I don't have. Ha trust me I'm grateful I just thought it was freaking hysterical. Literally haha.

After Grandma's we came home and opened all of our presents from each other. We opened them all on Christmas Eve so we could sleep in on Christmas morning and spend time getting ready for people to come. From Leah I got two super cute sparkly tank tops (which I really could use for going out) from Karli I got a Harry Potter fleece blanket (love) from Taylor I got a sweater from Urban Outfitters I actually wore the next day and from Heather I got a Harry Potter pop-up book. Yep it's amazing. And then from my parents I got (well picked out really) a gym membership, new sneakers, a sweatshirt from Threadless (in another post) and two John Green books. Oh and a target gift card and various Avon items in my stocking.

Christmas Eve was very nice and is always my favorite day of the year. I love my family and it's so great (and crazy) when all of the thirty-something of us are in the same room.

On Christmas day my Grandparents and my cousins from Tennessee who we don't get to see a lot came over. We had a feast of turkey and ham and it was wonderful. Then we had about fifty different kinds of desserts. Whenever "the cousins" are over (there's two of them, 15 and 20 year old girls) we always share stories we remember from when we were little. It was quite nice of course. Later we played Wipe Out for Wii haha I totally recommend it. Even when you're not playing you will be laughing your ass off. Then five of us slept in my tiny room and we watched Pineapple Express which I fell asleep during but it's cool, I've seen it before.

That's it. That was my Christmas. It was so chill and I loved it.
Now it's snowing. Blahh.

Still Freezing.

Tonight I finally reunited with some old friends. And when I categorize them as "old" I mean only. It was really nice to see that nothing really has changed. I couldn't really get into any of the conversations at all since  A) I am not intellectual in the least bit as I am sure you can tell my reading my posts and B)  I am not a boy. I really just enjoyed seeing everyone (well almost everyone) together again. We watched the lunar eclipse. It was freezing. I would have rather sat in Dave's basement and chatted but how many times can you really say you've seen an eclipse right? Probably 30. I don't know ask Mike.

Went to the gym today. Go me.

WHY...am I so goddamn scared?

UGHughUGH. I just can't even say hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. LAME. It'd be easier if I had confidence...but I don't. Whateva. This is a text I sent to nik "wait now I'm smiling so that's nice shshahskdfyascvhdsivh oh my." ROFL it was just nice. Didn't even say a word.

So I went by Santa today....EXCEPT it wasn't Santa. This man was YELLING cheese at the camera. Santa does not "yell" cheese nor does he even say it. It looked exactly like him though and  I was so confused because for like 10 minutes I thought it was THE DONALD G. MURPHY. That's Santa for you noobs. When I realized I walked away disgusted.

That is all.

OH and go watch project 4 awesome videos on youtube. Wait. Who am I even talking to?

The Real Santa

Lodge? LOL.

I founf five dollars in my pocket today. I was super excited since I'm poor. When I went to work the Toys for Tots guy was outside of JCPenny again and the other day I told him I was going to work and would come out on my break. I didn't have any cash on me and felt really bad so I hid in the backroom for my fifteen minutes of freedom. Needless to say I gave him my surprise five dollars and I felt really good about it.

Random recent thoughts.
So I haven't registered for classes yet...no surprise there huh? Whateva.
I miss the holiday assembly.
I had the WEIRDEST dream the other day. ew.
I saw two people that used to go to my elementary school. It was mind blowing.
I don't want to grow up.
I saw a friend that I haven't seen since august's mom today. (that doesn't even make sense...I'm too tired..yeahh that's going to be my excuse.) It made me sad.
I'm quite lonely.

OH and my parents told me we are going to Disney in June. Didn't expect that one. I knew they were going and I thought if any of us wanted to go we had to pay our way. How nice. It's a Lodge trip and were staying at a Lodge guy's house who lives right outside of the park. Lodge is quite difficult to explain. It's the Masonic Lodge liiiike George Washington and such. They have secret meetings? And lots of events? Ha clearly I have no idea BUT my dad is set to be the HEAD HONCHO in 2012. Like the ruler of New Jersey. He's the Senior Grand Warden and we'll be the Grand Master of New Jersey in 2012. Don't believe me? I'm sure you do but anyway here's a link http://www.newjerseygrandlodge.org/ElectedLine (lol dad). I'm proud of him. His father and most of his brothers also attend lodge. I still don't get it, all I know is I sometimes get a new dress for fancy lodge occasions. WHATEVA.

This took a weird turn.



Harry is talking to Tom Riddle in the chamber. UGH I can't seem to finish this book. Tomorrow. No. Tonight.

these are a few of my favorite things.



this sweatshirt i'm getting for christmas.

this is in my room <3

this picture just spews awesome.

christmas time.

facial hair.

the youtubez.

my maroon converse.

this movie. omg.

the thread.

wizard rock. major rofl at this picture :)

this man.

 lol. cauldron cakes.

universal studios :D

socks <3

ketchup.

matt and kim.

my flip.

catchphrase.

super mario world.

these boys <3

khaki noises.

"heyy you guysss"

surprise trips to disney world! :D

new york city.

brick.

headbands and sunglasses. my obsessios.

chapstick.

Hide Away.

Lol so someone posted one of those surveys when the put their music on shuffle and I was doing by myself and was contemplataing whether or not to post it but it got ridiculous so I have to do it.

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
a little bit of rock and roll

How would you describe yourself?
out tonight (rofl...)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
the best thing

How do you feel today?
let's do this

What is your life’s purpose?
this town (how ironic)

What is your motto?
the city never sleeps

When do your friends think of you?
WASTE MYSELF. how perfect lolll.

What do you think of your parents?
wizard wheezes

What do you think about very often?
harder, better, faster, stronger

What is 2 + 2 ?
girls freak me out...?

What do you think of your best friend?
dont want you back hahha.

What do you think of the person you like?
right here, right now

What is your life story?
 rockin' robin (i guesss.)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
thoughts on the ministry of magic HA.

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
beautiful ;)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
invisible (thanks t-swift -___-)

What will they play at your funeral?
living death

What is your hobby/interest?
angel (surprised it wasnt a wrock song)

What is your biggest fear?
meet me at fantasy island

What is your biggest secret?
trash

What do you think of your friends?
i'm real

What is going through your mind when you wake up in the morning?
and she said

What do you wish you sounded like as an artist?
plays pretty for baby

What song will be playing when the world is attacked by aliens?
 day by day

Song that reminds you of him/her?
dont forget about us

What puts you to sleep?
breakdown (truth. ha)

Your "at bat" theme song?
girl on tv (LFO right therrre)

What will you post this as?
hide away

Sorry to be lame but I thought that was funny. Hopefully soon I'll right something reaaaalll.

Another wonderful night at the Trautmann household.

sar·casm

[sahr-kaz-uhm]

–noun

1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.

2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

 

 

To get my mind off things I'm going to maybe do one of those facebook/myspace surverys if I find one. Hopefully a long one.

 

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, I still love you. You say?
 um that was sixth grade and not love soooo...

Do you trust your gut instinct?
i like to think so but i guess i usually go back and forth with things.

Why is it so hard to let go?
because i love everyone and everything. :( i never get over people or things that make me happy easily.

The last person you kissed says they want you to be theirs. You say?
ha...what's your name again?

Does anyone call you babe?
no :(

What is your CURRENT relationship status?
single, but i'd buy you the nicest sweaters from old navy if i weren't...lol nik you know.

Your last kiss probably meant nothing, right?
truth.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
weezer... ;) master plan.

Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
yep and never again.

Do you ever get paranoid when someone is reading your text messages?
lollll i used to so much because i was a fooooool with a secret.

Do you know what the difference between 'your' and 'you're' is?
ugh. yes.

Do you feel like life will be easier when you're older, or harder?
i sure as hell hope it's easier...but i doubt it.

Will the last person you kissed be the next person you kiss?
no.

When people say "I don't ever talk about anyone" do you believe it?
generally...no. sorry mankind.

Do you have any hidden talents?
besides touching my tounge to my nose...no.

Would you rather tell somebody how you feel straight up, or wait?
neither. insecurity gets the best of me.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you're single?
sure.

If you just drank 15 beers, what would yoube doing?
just give me a loko -______-

Are you hard to please?
not at all. generally anything can make me happy. anything nice i mean.

Have you ever been in a perfect relationship?
having one is a prerequisite right?

Is there anyone you wish to fix things with?
not really.

Have you ever really been in love?
friendship love is allll.

Do you tend to hold things against people?
maybe. im not sure.

Anything bothering you right now?
oh just everything ya'know.

Who was the last person to touch your stomach?
lol..myself...

What do you hear right now?
dishwasher..truth.

Who last told you they loved you?
dont even know.

Are you wanting any tattoos at the moment?
oh most definitely. i want glasses with a lightning bolt over them on the side of my wrist, for obvious reasons. and soon too hopefully.

Where do you wish you were right now?
in high school with everyone :(

Does anything on your body itch right now?
no

Do you forgive easily?
yes but i hold grudges for a very long time i think. they just dont know.

In the past five days, would you go back and change something?
waking up with 6 minutes to get ready for work..

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
yes.

Do you remember who you liked this time 3 months ago?
lolz

Did you reject or accept your last friend request?
accept but blocked from things...it was my boss.

Are you a morning person, or a night person?
night for sure.

Oceans, lakes, or pools?
oceans or lakes i think.

Is there anything on your feet right now?
striped sockkkks.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
heather.

Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you?
eh, probably not.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
of course

Is there someone you used to talk to every day that you don't talk to at all?
yeah :/ people just grow apart.

Describe how you feel right now?
saaaaaaaaaaaad

Anything your looking forward too?
christmas break please.

Something you do a lot?
harry potter. yep. harry potter anything. and facebook.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
nope.

What's your relationship like with the last person you talked to?
my father. good i guess, except nights like tonight where nothing at all goes my way and everything's always my fault. 

Do you want to get married and have children some day?
quickly and tons.
doubtful. cat lady here i come. and i hate cats.

The last person you held hands with go to your school?
dont even remember when this was.

Is your hair curly or straight right now?
straight

Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
sixth grade ex? no thanks.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
nope.

Are you a patient person?
noooo.

The last person to hurt you apologizes, do you accept?
i always do i guess.

The person who hurt you the most calls & needs you, do you go?
probably.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
too much.

Do you honestly miss someone?
too many it breaks my heart.

Where is that person?
they're all stretched across several states </3

Do you read your horoscope?
only in like the back of a magazine that i read occasionally.

Where was the last place you bought something?
forever 21

Do you think you are an argumentative person?
not particularly.

Can you read other people's expressions?
sometimes. most of the times it is snarky though. ughh.

When was the last time something bothered you?
just everyday is all.

Last person to call you?
...................................................julio...................................

Are boys/girls really worth it?
yess

What happened last night?
i decorated my house for christmas :)

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
couch?

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months?
it sure as hell better or im screwed.



Am I satisfied? Am I ever?

My Angsty, Dramatic, My Life Sucks so Pitty Me Blog Post

Everyone is entitled to atleast one right? Especially if they screwed up their life and have no friends...

Warning: Personal shit you probably don't give two damns about.
So I have been sulking all week. I can't deal with anything anymore and I'm reaching my breaking point. My family critiques every little thing I do. I can't have one day where I come home from work or class without being yelled at for having a book lying around or leaving an empty glass downstairs. Honestly. Every fucking day. I ask my mom to pick something up at the store (which she is already at) and she tells me I have a car and to buy it myself whether it be food or goddamn batteries.

Going to CCM was the worst decision I could have possibly made and I hate myself for it. I thought being home would be fine and whatever, I mean I thought I didn't mind my family but now I'm crying every other night and ripping my hair out the rest of the time. I seriously can't do anything right around here and I wish I had half a brain to go to a real college where I didn't have to work every day of my life and could actually go out enjoy the rest of my teenage years.

My friends would always say college would be the best four years of their lives. I would disagree and say it would always be high school. I was right. For my sake anyway, my friends were my life in high school. I didn't realize how much I depended on them and just needed them to be there until they were gone. I thought I'd see them a lot more than I do but I haven't seen some since August. So from going from eight super close friends to none breaks my heart, I mean I have Nik but then she's gone soon too. Then what. They're all having the times of their lives though, new friends, parties, actually being independent. I envy them.

If only I went to a different school and didn't live at home none of this shit would matter. I'd call my mom several times a week probably instead of doubting her every time she says "be careful" when I leave for work. I would have friends any wouldn't be bothered as much with friends from high school. That's why I try so goddamn hard and none of them realize it. I have no one. No one. And I'm just trying so hard to keep them in my life. To keep something constant. But they don't care. I don't blame them. As my mom said a few months ago "they have new friends, jod, get over it. Taylor's not friends with anyone she knew in high school anymore. They moved on." Perfect. That was exactly the right thing to say to me. Really.

I've been super down lately and just need winter break to hurry it's ass up because I need something more. The person I see most right now is Julio...I'm not okay with that.

My favorite YouTube collab channel is ending and that's what kind of started this "what the fuck happened to me" phase. I said on the thread that I have nothing to look foward to now. And than I thought that's fucking sad. My life consists of YouTube. Don't get me wrong I clealy love YouTube and I like to think I have a secret internet life sometimes...but I don't. Yeah I blog now and I have a Twitter, Facebook, YouTube account and a nerdfighter ning and am seriously considering dailybooth-ing. But I do it because of my lack of dare I say it, IRL friends (internet speak). I actually chat with people on my ning and I got my first YouTube subscriber (I only post videos from shows...for now...ew nevermind for always) but never will I do anything with it like I really want to.

Shit my blogs suck. Sorry.

SUMMARY: I fucking hate the point of my life that I am at. I work constantly, have zero friends and my family does nothing but bitch at me. And my nails aren't painted. And my house isn't Christmas-y yet. And I haven't registered for classes yet (as if I care). And I may want to switch majors. And I'm so poor and have so many things I need to buy.  And I'm failing my Psych class. And I'll be amazed if I spelled Psych right because I never do and am too lazy to look it up. Sums of my life.

I'm not gonna even tell you how awesome Wrockfest and Fun. was because this mess outweighs it.

angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.