Everyone is entitled to atleast one right? Especially if they screwed up their life and have no friends...
Warning: Personal shit you probably don't give two damns about.
So I have been sulking all week. I can't deal with anything anymore and I'm reaching my breaking point. My family critiques every little thing I do. I can't have one day where I come home from work or class without being yelled at for having a book lying around or leaving an empty glass downstairs. Honestly. Every fucking day. I ask my mom to pick something up at the store (which she is already at) and she tells me I have a car and to buy it myself whether it be food or goddamn batteries.
Going to CCM was the worst decision I could have possibly made and I hate myself for it. I thought being home would be fine and whatever, I mean I thought I didn't mind my family but now I'm crying every other night and ripping my hair out the rest of the time. I seriously can't do anything right around here and I wish I had half a brain to go to a real college where I didn't have to work every day of my life and could actually go out enjoy the rest of my teenage years.
My friends would always say college would be the best four years of their lives. I would disagree and say it would always be high school. I was right. For my sake anyway, my friends were my life in high school. I didn't realize how much I depended on them and just needed them to be there until they were gone. I thought I'd see them a lot more than I do but I haven't seen some since August. So from going from eight super close friends to none breaks my heart, I mean I have Nik but then she's gone soon too. Then what. They're all having the times of their lives though, new friends, parties, actually being independent. I envy them.
If only I went to a different school and didn't live at home none of this shit would matter. I'd call my mom several times a week probably instead of doubting her every time she says "be careful" when I leave for work. I would have friends any wouldn't be bothered as much with friends from high school. That's why I try so goddamn hard and none of them realize it. I have no one. No one. And I'm just trying so hard to keep them in my life. To keep something constant. But they don't care. I don't blame them. As my mom said a few months ago "they have new friends, jod, get over it. Taylor's not friends with anyone she knew in high school anymore. They moved on." Perfect. That was exactly the right thing to say to me. Really.
I've been super down lately and just need winter break to hurry it's ass up because I need something more. The person I see most right now is Julio...I'm not okay with that.
My favorite YouTube collab channel is ending and that's what kind of started this "what the fuck happened to me" phase. I said on the thread that I have nothing to look foward to now. And than I thought that's fucking sad. My life consists of YouTube. Don't get me wrong I clealy love YouTube and I like to think I have a secret internet life sometimes...but I don't. Yeah I blog now and I have a Twitter, Facebook, YouTube account and a nerdfighter ning and am seriously considering dailybooth-ing. But I do it because of my lack of dare I say it, IRL friends (internet speak). I actually chat with people on my ning and I got my first YouTube subscriber (I only post videos from shows...for now...ew nevermind for always) but never will I do anything with it like I really want to.
Shit my blogs suck. Sorry.
SUMMARY: I fucking hate the point of my life that I am at. I work constantly, have zero friends and my family does nothing but bitch at me. And my nails aren't painted. And my house isn't Christmas-y yet. And I haven't registered for classes yet (as if I care). And I may want to switch majors. And I'm so poor and have so many things I need to buy. And I'm failing my Psych class. And I'll be amazed if I spelled Psych right because I never do and am too lazy to look it up. Sums of my life.
I'm not gonna even tell you how awesome Wrockfest and Fun. was because this mess outweighs it.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
angst.angst.angst.
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